Mid-movie review: What even is The 5th Element?

What even is the 5th element


(Drunk R18 review follows...if you're aren't into that...you probably should stop reading)


I thought I'd get more Bruce Willis action

I am very much high off of

My Christmas Die Hard movie marathon


But now I'm watching

Rastafaris burn rats underneath a plane

To Reggae music

While Chris tucker eats an admittedly very sexy black woman out



I am so confused I am writing a mid movie review

With a bottle of Bailey's in my hand

Buck naked on my bed

Because that is the vibe this movie is giving me



It starts as an alien Egyptian epic

The alien suits are really inspired

And the premise is intriguing


Them we're zooped 300 years in the future

With a budget Unicron (pardon me, evil planet)

And too many forces trying to get magical stones



Caught in the middle is Bruce Willis

Playing space John McClane

Who is having a good bad day as usual



But he's a bit hornier than usual

Cos Mila ‘Perfect’ Jovovich

Is all over him and the camera


First scene and her nipples are out

Strapped in a white bondage suit

Doing a paltry job at hiding them


She is accompanied by sensuous sax music

That clings on to her like a Latino lover

A treat for straight men and les bi women


I'm so distracted by the horniness

I have almost entirely forgotten that

There's a killer planet on the loose


But she's the titular fifth element

And the film wants you to know

She is its most important element


Maybe that's where the film is headed

All evil in this world

Can be cured by manic pixie ladies

With a confident attitude and bomb bodies


I'm inclined to agree

All we men are ever good for

Are growling and fighting

Can't even think straight


I down another mouthful of Bailey's

And continue the movie

Looking forward to an end

Where Mila Jovovich's femininity

Saves humanity from certain doom



P.s. Bruce Willis confesses and the world is saved? What a load of BULL CRAP what the fuck. This is the biggest piece of shit resolution ever.

I mean love conquers all.

But milla is a thing here. Not a character.

I need to ask a gal pal if this is good writing. I think it isn't.

Love the music and vibes but what the fuck.

(Originally written on December 30, 2025)